2019

It’s that time of the year again. Reflections, resolutions, and all that stuff.
Well, it’s been a ride. One hell of a ride. All the twists, the lows, the highs, the victories, the losses- it’s made me stronger, maybe even better. And it’s definitely made this a year I’ll remember.

I’m proud of a lot of things I did this year.
I got three more diving certifications.  I turned 16. I passed with distinction in my Trinity Grade 5 piano exam. I graduated 10th grade. I played for a basketball club for the first time in my life. I went to Punjab to play nationals. I gymmed consistently. I got 2 tattoos. I got above 75% in all my exams. I started MUNing. I attended the regional World Scholar’s Cup, where my team came 4th overall. I overcame several fears. I learnt a lot about myself, about love, about friendship, about the world, about life. I kept going, even when it got rough.

The good never comes alone, it always comes with the bad.
I lost a lot this year, too. The world lost 2 angels this year, two of my friends- who I hope are somewhere better, somewhere happier.  I lost a lot of respect for a lot of people. I lost friends. At times, I lost hope. At times, I lost my will to live. I lost parts of myself that I can’t even remember now, perhaps for the better.

I saw new places. I went to Punjab. I went to Thailand. I went back to Mupur. I went to Pondicherry and Mahaballipuram. I went to Kerala.
I met new people, and made new friends, some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. People are incredible. They’re absolutely fascinating, and I’ll never be able to understand them.
I felt new things, emotions that I can’t describe- about attachment, confusion, betrayal, fear, ecstasy, and joy.
I learnt new things. I learnt more about how life is unfair. I learnt how to motivate myself and keep myself going. I learnt how bad your closest friends can snake you. I learnt how to look out for myself. I learnt how to be a better friend, and how to really be there for someone. I learnt to be more grateful. I learnt how to deal with problems better. I learnt what it’s like to feel like nothing will ever get better. I haven’t learnt everything- I’m still learning. But I’m proud of what I’ve learned.

I have new principles. I don’t fully follow through on them yet, but I’m getting there. I’m making myself a priority- my emotions, my needs, my desires- should come first. I can’t keep doing things for everyone else’s satisfaction and temporary happiness. Reciprocation is something that needs to guide me. If someone doesn’t give me the attention I give them, I need to either tone it down or cut them off. I need to put in the same effort as the other person, instead of pushing myself to the ends of the earth while they sit back and do nothing. It even means putting in more effort into relationships where I haven’t, and the other person has. I’m stopping to hurt myself- both emotionally and physically. I’m being more honest to people about what I feel, whether its about them, or our relationship. I’m working hard for what I want. I’m putting in the hours, the effort, the sweat.

There’s always things I wish I could change, things that I wish I could have done differently. I wish I had lived in the moment, and enjoyed all the little things that were there, instead of always thinking about a supposedly perfect future. I wish I didn’t overthink of all the small things and make even happy situations bad for myself. I wish I didn’t put so my effort into things that would never work out. I wish I didn’t give some people the amount of time, thought and attention that I did. I wish I wasn’t so blind towards my real friends.
I wish I made more time for the people who always stuck by me. I wish I could undo stopping therapy. I wish I took more care of myself. Most people would call these regrets, but I’m telling myself to never regret. No regrets. No regrets. No regrets. You live and you learn.

Now it’s time to move on.
2020 is going to be my year. I’m going to make it my year. No excuses. No slack. No chill. I’m going to start living the life that I want to live, or at least work towards it. Bad days are okay. Crying is okay. But it isn’t permanent. I’m going to get up, get out there, and start again. I’m going to embrace who I am, cherish the small things, focus on the good, live in the present, and work towards my goals.
2019 has made me who I am, through all its ups and downs. But now its time for a new year, a new decade, a new tomorrow.
Let’s make every day count.